Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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