Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
