I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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