Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
