I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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