Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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