Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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