Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
