1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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