i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize