I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
