I love black thongs
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
