The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
