my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
