I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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