he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
