Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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