i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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