a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
