I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
