i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
