I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
