My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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