he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
this is an emotional support booty call
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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