It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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