How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
