I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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