I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
