How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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