The best revenge is premature balding
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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