I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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