Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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