dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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