I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
