Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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