She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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