Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
