It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the condom got lost in my hair
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
