The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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