I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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