My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
