I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
