Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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