there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
