why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
