If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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