apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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