I look better un-naked...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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