you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
