chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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