we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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