I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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