If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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