I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Drake has all the answers
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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