She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We named our party play list daddy issues
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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