I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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