yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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