Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize