this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
