If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
