there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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