Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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