when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
