I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
