Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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